Q: What is your idea of perfect happiness?

A: A good wooden floor and a perfectly fitting sports bra.

Q: What are your greatest fears?

A: Cobbles and running out of kit material.

Q: With which historical figure do you most identify?

A: Sarah Bernhart.

Q: What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

A: Discussing kit.

Q: What is the trait you most deplore in other teams?

A: Twee, fussy kit.

Q: What objects do you always carry with you?

A: Safety pins and a dragon.

Q: What is your most embarrassing moment?

A: Our solicitor won’t allow us to tell you – but it does involve kit.

Q: What makes you depressed?

A: Discussing kit.

Q: Do you believe in monogamy?

A: No. Nobody ever wants to be the banker, it takes too long, there’s always arguments about the rules and you always get stuck with the Old Kent Road.

Q: What is your favourite book?

A: Karen’s diary.

Q: How do you relax?

A: By taking off our clogs, and not discussing kit.

Q: What is your favourite fantasy?

A: Never having to discuss kit.

Q: How did you vote in the last election?

A: Individually

Q: How will you vote in the next election?

A: One by one

Q: Who or what is the greatest love of your life?

A: Anyone who can provide a 50m bolt of dark blue needlecord

Q: Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

A: "What’s next?", "Where do I stand in this one?" and "About the kit"

Q: How often do you have sex?

A: Don’t be daft – have you seen our kit?

Q: What would your motto be?

A: Quis pedem primus? (What foot do we start on?)

Q: What keeps you awake at night?

A: Thinking about kit

Q: Which living person do you most admire?

A: Sadie the Bra Lady

Q: What is your favourite word?

A: Musicalinterlude.

Q: How would you like to die?

A: Better than yesterday, not as good as tomorrow

Q: How would you like to be remembered?

A: "They had nice kit"

Q: When and where were you happiest?

A: On top of Old Smokie, not talking about kit

Q: Do you believe in reincarnation?

A: Come again?

Q: What is your most unappealing habit?

A: Talking about kit.

Q: What is the most important lesson life has taught you?

A: Always remember your collecting bucket, sports bra and safety pin.

© D W Bennett 2018